You know, this whole experience has been rather odd.
That's about the only word I can use. There are things that I've felt both emotionally and physically over the past few months that I can only begin to describe to people. One of the oddities of cancer over a disease like strep throat or a cold, is that you aren't really better for a very, very long time.
If I were to get strep throat, I'd take some anti-biotics, chill out, and when my meds were done, great! Back to the world. But it's not like that this time. I've been in remission since late December, 2011 (about 6 months now). Remission essentially means that when Onk stuck a needle into my bone for the umpteenth time, she didn't find any leukemia cells. Since then, things have gotten much worse, and are now getting better every day.
But here is where it really just feels weird.
You know those aches and pains everyone gets? When you sit down too long and a few joints might feel a little sore. Finding yourself to be more tired one day than another. A slight ring in the ear randomly. These are all things that are normal, but they start to freak the hell outta me.
Today, I was walking around and my feet felt odd. I look down, and they are swollen and red. What am I to make of that? I was walking around a lot more today than usual. I went to Target and to the grocery store. Maybe I just haven't been so active recently? Could it be a reaction to a medication? I haven't changed medications any time recently to go along with this. Maybe a blood clot? Blood clots are more common among the blood cancer crowd (leukemia and lymphoma), but both of my feet are swollen. Does it make sense that I could get two blood clots in my legs at the exact same time, during a day that I'm walking a lot? Is it GvH? Did I forget to take my acyclovir this morning? Could this be shingles? I've never had them before. Should I page the doc? Maybe I should just email them? Or what if it's nothing. I don't want to waste their time and I really don't want to go back into the hospital unless I absolutely have to. What is this? What should I do?!
All because my gorram feet were swollen.
Ultimately, I've decided to hold off on any brash decision making. I'm going to see how they feel when I wake up, and how they react when I walk or stand. I'll pay extra attention to them, like I pay extra attention to every single little thing that seems a little bit off from normalcy. Those things I always had the luxury before of ignoring. I can't help but wonder when this feeling will pass.
Of course, while I was writing this, I felt a slight pain in one of my muscles in my back. Probably because I'm hunched over at the keyboard. I can't ignore it though. No matter how hard I try.